struggling

I've been home for a month now. I realized this fact yesterday and it made me tear it! I'm still so depressed about being home. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. I've been trying to keep busy by going to the gym and that has been helpful. Yesterday was my rest day, so that didn't help with my depression! I honestly feel like I don't belong in the states. But maybe it's just because I'm back living at home with my mom, which makes me feel like a little kid again. I feel like I can't do anything, like go out late or wear red lipstick...both of which I have done with hesitation and no consequences. I know I can do these things but the little girl in me thinks, "Am I gonna get in trouble??" My mother trained me well.

Also, not having found a job yet is contributing to my depression. I'm so uncertain about my future. I thought I had a plan but circumstances beyond my control are making me rethink it. What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this a quarter-life crisis? Methinks yes.

On top of this, I'm living in a household with contrasting cultures. When I was traveling, learning about different cultures was one of my favorite things, but now that I'm back at home, inside this house, you'd think that my family would have one culture, but that is not the case. We do share some cultural views but when it comes to certain things, it is like day and night. It causes tension and confrontations. Two things I absolutely abhor. My mom is still set in her old-fashioned Chinese ways even though she's been in America for over 24 years. I understand that we are Chinese but we live in America. There needs to be some sort of compromise.